I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
