I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
