i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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