I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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