i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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