woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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