i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
