i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
