Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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