Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
