The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
