I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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