Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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