it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
