$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i out mim tonsoeep
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