Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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