Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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