He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
