if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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