o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
