I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
