I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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