I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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