In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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