Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
