my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
