Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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