whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
