And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
