i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize