I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
