I faked an abortion last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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