So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
