Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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