before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
