sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
