He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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