Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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