Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
