Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
