I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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