chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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