i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
