you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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