I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
