i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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