i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
