I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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