Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
