i can't believe i had my finger in that
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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