Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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