somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
