Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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