Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
