I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize