I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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