If that was your dad, he is hot
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize