"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have tasted many bathrooms
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
